reverse order

my kitchen smells like a pig sty. i am scared of maggots again. i haven’t really gotten much work done today. that is because the television is a bitch. addictive fucking bitch.

phew. that feels good.

i’ve always restrained my language in blogs. don’t know why.

what does writing mean to me? no one really, actually ever asked me that question. some people actually think it’s as simple as a biological action. the majority of the world voluntarily shit for money and i write. when i say, i’m writing give me a few minutes, many a times i’ve defended replies: oh! it’s only writing. unless and until someone actually wants something written, there’s not much acknowledgement. or maybe, becoming a bestselling author are the ways out. i’ve never really pushed myself to get published. i think i am still experimenting with it. it’s not like i am not ready to put it out in to the world. if that was my fear, i wouldn’t have a blog.

i’ve never been great with set rules. that’s half the reason i thought whatever happens i will write all in small caps here for how ever long that i can stand it. grammar. that’s what i actually want to talk about. it is what makes a language. it is this same thing that has to be denied, broken, mixed and thrown around in order to understand the language. of course, old appendages stay – know the rules and then break them. i’ve never probably been too great at highlighting with precision present continuous. but a rhythm of a language, the memory of when i learnt certain words, it’s flow in comparison and adjacent to the other languages i know: these help me through.

form. this i actually find difficult to decide. the non-linear fascinates me. the few words or the many words, all the same, just strewn about, nevertheless in perfect equilibrium, almost in a cosmic connection. it should be okay to write phrases, half words, made-up words. probably why i like wordpress or ommwriter for that matter; they don’t really decorate all of it in red and green all the time. not unless i choose to. microsoft word doesn’t even like passive voice. what am i writing, science experiments? apparently, passive might be okay for science too. certainly, my school teachers didn’t think so.

what in form? free-writing. that’s my type of form. it goes, it stops, it flows, it ebbs, it plummets, it shivers, all on its own accord. sometimes, after many days there are words everywhere – blogs, emails, notebooks, walls, napkins, cigarette boxes, bus tickets… this might one day become a poem, a short story, a novel if at this time these are the only forms everyone understands. or i’ll decide to wait it out and see if anyone picks up the asymmetrical forms i create and maybe bellow it out to the world.

then again benjamin frankin had said: ‘either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.’ this could actually murder every ounce of confidence i have when i sit down to write. but, benjamin franklin was still seven degrees away from creating who i am right now. i take what he says. i chew it. i don’t disregard it. i don’t shun it. i just hear ping pong.

probably some perfect time to read outsider art. (thanks to aarti).

shall be back after the reading. and maybe one more tea.

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